Bros, woman wey dey find pikin dey naked sleep. 

The next day after I was sacked from work, I woke up to find Biggie, my friend, weeping like a child on the 4 by 6 bed we both shared.  Biggie was like that, make I no lie, small things made him cry like a child. Let me give you an example. Few months ago, I had just returned from a particularly bad interview; I bumped into the room hoping to see Biggie and tell him how the interview went. I didn’t see Biggie; instead, I saw a plate of Indomie on the floor. Biggie could go to hell; a plate of indomie is bae.  My guy, if you see how this indomie was garnished, they no born you well make you no chop am.

The Indomie just sat in the plate like Kim Kardashian on a stool, the ears of the ynash spilling out like compressed jelly. 

Two eggs lay adjacent to each other, reminding me of Cossy Orjiakor bosoms. Three pieces of sardine lay perpendicular to one another. Small, small green peas, chopped carrot etc littered the Indomie like stars on a dark night. Bros, if na you, no lie, if na you, wetin you go do? 

I sat down gently making sure not to upset the balance of the plate. I said psalm 23 hurriedly, emphasizing the part that says “Thou prepareth a table before me in the presence of my enemies.” Then I took a spoon and scooped a spoonful into my mouth. I cut a large chunk of egg and fish, mashed them a little with some of the noodles and scooped everything into my mouth. 

I didn’t want to finish it because I am a very considerate somebody. But when biggie walked into the room with a sachet of pure water in hand, I was done licking the plate. Whoever cooked that Indomie will make heaven. In five minutes the person changed my life, what my pastor couldn’t do in 32 years.

When biggie entered and saw the empty plate, he shivered like a marine-spirit-possessed-girl under Pastor TB Joshua’s anointing. Then he collapsed on the floor and wailed as if Balotelli had kicked him in the scrotum. I picked up the pure water he was carrying and drank it. I don’t like eating without drinking water. He wailed louder. It took some close neighbours 2 hours to console him. 

When he came to, he rolled his fat right arm round and round like a rollercoaster and gave me a punch on my jaw that shook the holy spirit out of me. Bros, I learnt my lesson that day so tey, if we go Saturday owambe and they serve food, I would ask “Is this for Biggie or for me?”

I mean, who cries over a plate of Indomie? The way Biggie wept that day eh, I come dey wonder wether he used his right and left eggs to cook the Indomie. If I were the one, I wouldn’t have cried. That doesn’t mean you should take the water I kept in the fridge to get cold.  If you try am, bros, the thunderrr…The thunder wey go jam your left kidney dey hell fire dey warm up.

So that morning, I woke up and saw Biggie crying.
“What’s up bro? Why u dey shed tears like say your girlfriend get belle? I asked searching for my toothbrush and salt.

“The boss sacked me yesterday. You know, he said I was the one who brought you into his restaurant, you know, and that I have to bear the brunt of your action. You know, he said you were a helpless lunatic; with madness the size of a mature fibroid tumor, you know, that your mouth smelled like rotting cabbage and decaying egg. He said that if he had employed a goat instead of you, you know, he would have earned more profit.”

Bros, the toothbrush and salt and cup of water fell off my hands. I sat on the floor and wept.


Later on that day, Biggie started telling me about an opening he saw.  

A well-known oil company was recruiting. He said if we played our cards right we could get the job “you know?” 

I knew how to play my cards right, right from primary six when I beat an SS3 student in whot. It was a historic event. It was. Teachers stood on one side, students on the other cheering us on. The game had dragged in for 45 minutes, and everyone was getting tense. I had about 7 cards in my hands and my senior opponent had 2. Then he played one of his cards and screamed “Last card!”  

Unknown to the senior, I had been gathering an assortment of cards waiting for it to click. And it did. I had one triangle and one star pick twos; one star and one circle hold ons; one circle and one block general market; and one block seven.

So as the teachers and students watched and took sides with their favourite, I began to dish it out to the guy.

“Pick two, pick two, hold on, hold on, general market, general market, and last card- check up!” And that was how I won the game. 

Till today, the story is told in that school.
You see, I can play my cards alright.

The vacancy was legit, Biggie said. Mobil Oil Company was recruiting and the next day was the deadline for submission of cv. We quickly mailed our cvs to the company’s email address:

Three hours later, we received text messages inviting us to interviews. We were filled with gladness when we received the messages.
On the day of the interview, we woke before dawn and began to fire prayers. We prayed so loud and violently that the heavens shook and thunder rumbled across the sky. The next we felt was water dripping down our body, bros, it was then I opened my eyes and saw our landlord standing by the window, a bowl of water in his hand.

“I have been shouting and banging the gate since, kilode?”  He was really angry.

Oga landlord, what’s the problem? Can’t someone pray in peace? I screamed at him.

“Not when you are disturbing the peace of the neighbourhood. Don’t you know people are still sleeping? If I hear pim again, the two of you will leave my house today, today!”

Bros, we quickly wore our clothes and zoomed off.

I had expected the interview would be held at one of the offices of the oil company, but guy, my expectations were dashed as we got there. The venue was an old broken down school and despite the fact that we came too early, there were more than five hundred people there already. Everyone wanted an oil company job. The place was busy like Obalende bus terminal. But as people say, wetin remain one don already finish, we decided to stay to see the end of it. If we had gone home we might have saved ourselves the tragedy that befell us. But we stayed – first mistake.

We waited 3 hours 26 minutes before the so called interviewers arrived. 3 good hours. The interviewers were four in number, three men and one lady. And if you have seen bus conductors that ply Oshodi- Apapa  route, you might have a clue about how those three men looked. The lady herself was a case study on the evil effects of bleaching. She was red in complexion with a touch of yellow and walked briskly like she was familiar with hawking purewater on Lagos-Ibadan Express way. They came in, cheap files in hand, and began to address us like prisoners who have just assaulted a warder.

“Poverty is a disease” one said “today we are going to introduce you to a life of wealth and happiness. My name is Dr. Oyeleye Abass, the MD of Workteam Recruiters, recruiting partner of Mobile Hoil Company.”

Dr. Oyeleye went on and spoke at length about deregulation of the upstream and downstream oil sectors and on shore and off shore dichotomy. He didn’t bother to explain what those tough words were; when a confused lady asked him to explain what dichotomy was, Dr. Oyeleye ordered his partners to bounce her out. So we all kept quiet and swallowed his gospel hook, line and sinker.

“Imagine that comatose entity asking me what dichotomy is. Is she trying to teach me my job? Who doesn’t know what dichotomy is? I am asking all of you; don’t you know what dichotomy is?”


We all screamed that we knew it.

Another speaker came on stage and introduced himself as Uduaghan. He was so muscular we all wondered what he was doing in an oil company. He said he was a pipeline engineer in Mobile "oyel" company and that many of us would intern under him.

“My job is not difficult. And the pay is good. I drive 2 Toyota G wagons and one Camry Ferrari. Nice cars. If you do all what we tell you to do, when we employ you, you will drive your own too.”

Your comments make me write more. Comment below, then click here to read the CONCLUDING PART of Mobile Hoil.


  1. I always check your blog to read your story... I love them

    1. Thanks. I am working on redesigning the blog and increasing the content. Your visits are appreciated.


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